Taming The Monkey Mind.
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains …
Within the sound of silence- Simon & Garfunkel
I’ve always love the quiet simplicity of the haunting performance of “Hello Darkness” and within the lyrics, found inspiration, contemplation and a realization that silence is not as simple as we think it is. Silence is not something that is “sound on, sound off” although in the most basic terms, the most simplistic expression and understanding, maybe it is. For those of us on the path of self-realization, silence is not simple.
Growing up an only child, surrounded by adults and living in a “few children” neighborhood, I was my best companion. Because I loved to read, color, dance, imagine, play with dolls … I spent a lot of time in silence. Silence was the space of creativity, a gentle companion. I also grew up with the adage “children should be seen and not heard” but as the years went by, I became my Mother’s dinner party companion and eventually learned to either be silent or contribute intelligent conversation at the table. Both were encouraged and my presence was accepted without expectation.
As the years went by, I appreciated silence more and more, recognizing that there were different kinds of silence. Growing up in the north, I loved winter when the silence that came with a snowfall would fill the morning with anticipation. There was always something so mysterious and magical about that hush, almost as if the Earth was holding its breath in wonder. I remember one winter when I was living in Nashville … I had an early flight back home to surprise my Mom and her best friend Sandy who was in town on a visit from Ohio. When my alarm went off at “o’dark thirty”, the hush that enveloped my home was that silence of snowfall. It was with a childlike wonder that I got lost in the experience of watching the snowflakes fall to the ground and like a comforting hug from your favorite grandmother, was embraced by that silence.
In writing this blog entry, I went to the Merriam Webster dictionary to look up the definition of the word silence because how do you describe silence to someone who grew up in the middle of a bustling city? Or how do you describe your love of silence to someone who talks incessantly, needing to fill the air with words because they feel so uncomfortable in it?
According to the dictionary silence, when used as a noun is the “complete absence of sound”; when used as a verb it is “the cause to become silent”; to “prohibit or prevent from [one from] speaking”. As the verb, I can distinctly hear Dumbledore in Harry Potter use “silence” in order to quiet a teaming room of magic students. So it “sounds” pretty cut and dried however when you peel back the layers, the practice of silence can become complicated and not so easy to define.
At the end of the day “silence is better than bullshit”. Without a doubt, this is one of my favorite quotes! I have no idea who wrote it, but I would guess they had an internal bullshit meter that was constantly going off when they were in the presence of particular people. I’m sure you know someone who is like this. Seriously! There is nothing like the oxygen-depleting, life-sucking vacuum of someone who is valiantly trying to talk themselves out of an uncomfortable situation. My question is this, “where did you learn this in the first place”? It can become a train wreck … almost as if they know it is happening but just can’t seem to stop it. It is this torrential flood of words, hoping that if they finally say the right thing, they will be accepted or if they talk long enough, you might give up and walk away. All I want to do is roll my eyes to the ceiling and say “stop, please stop … stop talking and choose silence because your words are digging a deeper hole for you.” In my life, I have come to realize that even silence is a moment-to-moment decision and depending upon the situations we find ourselves in, that too will help to define our experiences. I include the ones that come to mind for me.
Starting with the one we are the most familiar with …
Silence of the Martyr. For many, this is a bitter pill to swallow and it’s a big one. How often do you find yourself doing something you simply don’t want to do? I’m not talking about the simple act of resistance like when your alarm goes off in the morning and you groan, “oh I’m not ready to get up yet”, I’m talking about those times when you bury your dreams, or withhold information, because it’s easier just give in. You avoid bumping up against someone else, giving in to make someone else happy at the expense of your happiness or giving in because you perceive that they are stronger or more powerful than you are. Or you simply give in because going your own way might put you at risk of ridicule, for going against the group. Or you are afraid to stand up and fight the tide.
Instead you keep a stiff upper lip, force a smile on your face, suck it up and go about your tasks, all the while holding your breath and shoving your true feelings down until it’s over. Never let them see you sweat. Sound familiar? When I silently yearn for something and never express my wants, needs, dreams, desires or how I see myself fitting into the big picture … this makes me a martyr. When I am forced to do something that I don’t want to do, even though I know it will be good for me … when I actually end up enjoying it but deny myself the pleasure of the experience, I remain the martyr. The martyr sits back when something goes wrong and internally smiles like the proverbial Cheshire Cat and says, “I told you so” or “you should have asked me”, all the while knowing that their contribution or 100% participation could have made a difference in the outcome.
The martyr falsely believes that when they give in, they are being the bigger person, so they shrug their shoulders and take the higher road because “you know better than me”, not only giving their power over to the other person but belittling themselves in the process … being “small”. Remember, when we are not being co-creative, we are either the dictator or the one being dictated to. In those moments, I challenge myself to take a deep breath and be brave, sharing my thoughts and opinions, choosing my words wisely, sharing in passion or sharing in neutrality. Sharing for the spirit of sharing (freedom), not in the spirit of manipulating (limiting).
Silence of the Victim.
Whether a victim of circumstance, a victim of abuse; physical, mental, emotional or psychological, when I say nothing, I live in the shadows and remain small, a captive of the victor. The victimhood eats away at me. I can be screaming on the inside, but stoic on the outside. It takes courage to no longer be a victim of anything but it means being brave enough to stick up for oneself from a place of response not reaction. Perpetual victims blame others. Before you react, I fully support this … there are times when we need to have the guts to call someone out in the police lineup but in this case, I’m talking playing the role of the victim in our everyday lives … where we blame our bad day on the words, deeds or actions of someone else. No one has the power to turn us into a “victim” unless we allow it and once again, we become the victim when we hand our power over to another.
Silence of Meditation.
This can be one of the most challenging things to practice. It means first turning my attachment to external distractions off - a habit that I worked to break but over time found that it got much easier. The radio, the tv, the phone - oh my gosh the phone. All of those modern conveniences that act as distractions! The silence of meditation also includes turning off internal distractions … but with the acceptance that the voice inside my head will chatter on and on, however I have the opportunity to start with lowering the volume. If I try to “turn if off”, it gets threatened so meditation is a kind of negotiation that I have with my mind, submitting the request for silence, a reprieve so to speak. The more often I give myself permission to experience that internal silence, the easier it is to find it and the longer it stays with me. And it’s weird. I will be navigating my day, and all of a sudden recognize that my mind is silent, I give an internal “high five”, am then flooded with gratitude … and continue putting one foot in front of the other, because in those moments, I recognize that I am in the flow. Creative expression comes without bidding. I am at peace. I have come to realize that the peace and suspension of time has me looking forward to the days when I start with silencing technology and spend time in my inner world.
The Monkey Mind Resides In All Of Us …
No matter what ... the silence of the victim or the silence of the martyr, does not still does not still the Monkey Mind that churns. As I've turned more and more towards the silence of meditation, focused on letting my thoughts pass through my mind, like clouds across a bright blue sky, I have learned that as I continue to evolve as a human being, I have the opportunity to experience the next one .... Conscious Silence.
Silence of Consciousness.
In my self-discovery process, I came to recognize when I choose this form of silence, it's a relief to know that I've evolved to this level of recognition of who I am. I can give the credit to a consistent practice of meditation and spending a lot of time either in nature or appreciating nature and the smaller things in life.
It's in those moments, when I know that I can be completely unconscious (old habit pattern) and stir the proverbial pot with my internal dialogue aka comments from my “peanut gallery”, or I can simply lean back and witness what is happening in front of me (new habit pattern). It doesn't mean that I don't care, it means that I care enough about the situation to be consciously silent. What are my opinions being influenced by? It’s in silent witness that I ask myself, are my opinions coming from my internal or external world? Past programming? When I shift to a feeling and being space versus thinking and doing and make a conscious decision, will my words make a difference? It is then I share externally consciously.
In the end, when I choose Conscious Silence, it's because I've learned how to assess through an intuitive level of seeing, hearing, feeling and Being. In cultural norms, silence can be interpreted as good or bad but in reality, Conscious Silence is both and neither simultaneously. Conscious Silence just is. I challenge myself to move beyond the silence of the ego and embody the silence of the Divine, to live in the essence of being at peace with myself as I am, in each moment. Conscious silence is not just stepping into the Light, it is being the light … the source of the Divine within. The spark of creation.