CONtent vs ConTENT

I am content with my content. I find it interesting that one word can mean two completely different things and yet it's the pronunciation that makes the difference to the ear and at the same time, that pronunciation changes the definition. I know there are other words in the English Dictionary that do the same thing, but this is one that resonates so strongly with me and inspires reflection.

I am content. Yes, I am content with most things in my life and like most of us, it's a work in progress. In the years that I did a deep dive into meditation and chose the express elevator of self-imposed fast tracking, my go to intention became "I accept myself as I am, and the world as it is." Now let me say this … my mind objected! Constantly! It kept up with the “how can you accept yourself as you are when …” or “how can you possibly accept the world as it is when …”. You fill in the blank, I know I certainly did. However my Higher Self knew better. This mantra is about self-acceptance in it’s highest form and I knew that with consistent use, I would be able to finally accept myself as I am and the world as it is. So what is it about? Accepting me, "warts and all". So yes, with much practice I have learned to be content with my outside, with how I appear to the world. I still find myself asking “do I try to fit in” or “do I try to follow my own path”. No matter what, I somehow now believe that I have done both simultaneously (fit in and still follow my own path) in my life. Both choices have provided much joy and very little division. But let me give you an example.

I am tall. At 5'10 1/2", I am tall. It's a fact. It's not something I can disguise nor at this stage of my life do I want to. My Mom always encouraged me to stand up straight. So between my love of ballet and the modeling classes she signed me up for when I was the tallest girl in my class, today my spine is straight and I stand tall. I embrace my height and am not afraid to wear high heels. Let’s be honest, they make one's ankles appear trim and our legs look longer and after all, there is something so sophisticated and deliciously self-indulgent about stepping into a beautiful pair of high heels.

Now at one point in my “life at sea” career, I was told by my manager during a performance evaluation that my height was a problem. That I needed to "appear shorter" because I was intimidating to our guests. All I could do was ask “how the heck will I pull that one off? Slouch? Sit down all of the time? Wear flats?” Ultimately what was that all about? My height was a problem but for who? So I made a decision to adapt. I began to touch people when I talked to them. On the shoulder, upper arm, forearm, wrist. A gesture of relatability and to connect with someone on their level. I sound like a politician, don’t I? But it's the truth. And you know what? It worked! Note that I never stopped wearing heels. I stood tall. I accepted my height as a blessing and freely continued to wear high heels. For my friends, the majority of which are much shorter than me, I see us at equal height and it’s not until I see the difference in height, captured in photographs that a different story is told. But no matter what, I am content.

Being content with my content is about accepting myself as I am and the world as it is. I can do little to control my outer world and when I find myself struggling with the bigger world, I remember my capacity to exercise my right to “change the channel”. Ultimately when it all comes down to it, the only control I have is how I am in the world. Am I being present or am I finding myself living in my past or trying to control my future? Do I react or do I respond in any given minute? Do I act from a place of polarity or do I act from a place of duality? Do I think or do I feel? Am I fake or am I real? Whose "sunglasses" am I wearing as I perceive my reality? 

There are so many questions that arise when peeling away the layers of the content of our inner world.

However it all comes down to self-acceptance and how willing I am to no longer listen to that voice inside my head that says "do more, be more, etc and then people will love you”. I have learned to put that aside. When I react I have learned to forgive myself for my reaction. However I have come to recognize that before my reaction surfaces, awareness can step in, diffusing the reaction and it's through that filter, that response is born. Knowing that the next time a reaction is bubbling up, and oh yes, there is always a next time, I have the ability to choose response because the reaction is not sustainable. And this I accept as the power of my content.

I am content with my content.